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Lifeforce

Starring
Mathilda May as the monster with no clothes
Steven Railsback as Carlsen
Peter Firth as Agent Caine
Patrick Stewart in a small role for you trek fans

This movie would have made a star of Mathilda May, had she been in porn. The beautiful Mathilda is totally naked through out the movie. Oh yeah there is a plot, but you lose focus of that when Mathilda is on the screen, but you won’t mind. The plot goes something like this: you see there’s this mission to investigate Halley’s Comet, only the ship comes across this spacecraft with nude vampires on board. When they get a load of May they say the heck with the comet, it’ll be around again in another 90 years, and you’d have said the same thing. Well the vampires make there way to Earth, where they have the intention of draining the lifeforce out of everyone. Mathilda May could drain the lifeforce out of me anytime. Her victims in turn do the same thing. Soon the Earth, like Australia during the rabbit plague is in danger, and not just regular danger, but mortal danger. Agent Caine realizes they have to find the leader (May) in order to save the Earth. Did mention that Mathilda May is naked through out the whole movie.

 

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The Abominable Snowman

Starring:
Peter Cushing – Dr. John Rollason
Forrest Tucker – Tom Friend
Robert Brown – Ed Shelley

Tom wants to go in search of the mysterious Yeti even though many people have gone before and failed to find or see them. Dr. John Rollason decides to go along even though he knows it is a fool’s mission, but is intrigued by Tom’s proposition. So off they go, first running into bandits whom they chase away and soon start off on their quest in earnest. But besides the mere trivialities of snowstorms or avalanches which, though they do need to be on the lookout for, they need to be on guard against the abominable snowmen, who really do not wish to be found. Excellent Cushing vehicle, beautifully directed with incredible black and white cinematography to enhance the whole film makes this one movie you definitely cannot afford to miss. Cushing is fantastic, as is every other participant, but it is Cushing who really makes the film great. Suspenseful, with the right dose of mystery, horror and action make this a fabulous film. Watch it and love it to death.

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When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth

Starring
Victoria Vetri as Sanna the girl who makes men froth
Robin Hawdon as Tara, the lucky bugger who gets Sanna

This Hammer flick was nominated for an Oscar for special effects, and would have won to, if not for those kids. Paleontologists will point out the numerous inaccuracies, but who really cares. The reason is this movie has everything you want: beautiful women in bikinis, studly men, little dialogue, and beautiful women in bikinis. The people in this film look like they just walked off a Sports Illustrated swim suit issue, which goes to show, being a caveman wasn’t all that bad.

 

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When_Dinosaurs_Ruled_The_Earth_(1970) COVER

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Plague of the Zombies

Starring
Andre Morell as Sir James Forbes
Diane Clare as Forbes’ nosey daughter Sylvia
John Carson as the town witch doctor
Brook Williams as the regular, normal type doctor
Jacqueline Pearce as the doctor’s rather gray skinned wife

A village in England is experiencing an epidemic of zombieism far greater than the English national average. In fact, in all other areas the rate is zero, and that includes, surprisingly, the East Midlands, although to this day nobody can tell. So, Dr. Thompson calls on his mentor Sir James Forbes to help him find out why so many people are dying, only to be seen alive. What they find out is Squire Hamilton (Carson) is practicing black magic without a permit. Other than that the town is just fine except for a high rate of gonorrhea.

 

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Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed

Starring
Peter Cushing as Das Baron Frankenstein
Simon Ward as Karl the reluctant assistant
Veronica Carlson as Karl’s chick

This is the most evil of all Baron Frankensteins. In this, the fifth of Hammer’s Frankenstein series, Frankenstein is no longer concerned about making candy from chocolate and peanut butter. Instead, he’s back to his old ways of playing God. To do this, he needs the mind of Dr. Brandt, a now crazed former colleague. Frankenstein black mails a young couple into helping him with his crazy obsession. Mayhem abounds, as Frankenstein murders, rapes, black mails, jay walks, evicts and steals. He ends up making the smartest and least gruesome of all monsters. In fact, this monster is only monsterish; the Baron is the real monster.

 

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Frankenstein and the Monster From Hell

Starring
Peter Cushing as Vic Frankenstein
Shane Briant as his assistant
Madeline Smith as the assistant to the assistant
David Prowse as the monster

Dr. Helder (Briant) is institutionalized for continuing the work of his dead hero Doc Frankenstein. Helder discovers the institution, like Arkham Asylum for you Batman fans, is run by Frankenstein. Master and pupil go to town using the inmates for their experiments. You know, brain here body there. What they succeed in doing is creating a homicidal, suicidal Ed Asner. How’s that for scary eh? As an observation, Peter Cushing is obviously the “guy” formally known as Prince’s father in real life.

 

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Frankenstein and the Monster from Hell COVER

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Dracula has Risen from the Grave

Starring
Christopher Lee in his record breaking performance as Dracula
Rupert Davies as the priest type guy
Barry Andrews as Paul, who will also burn in hell
Veronica Carlson as the girl next door
Barbara Ewing as the town floozy

Dracula gets locked out of his castle, can’t fit through the doggy door, so takes it out on the locals. However, its times like these that pull us together, as the monsignor and Paul the atheist double team Dracula. If only Dracula hadn’t been so cheap and put in that back door.

 

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The Reptile

Starring  Jacqueline Pearce as Anna the snake girl  Noel William as Dr. Franklyn  Ray Barrett as Harry Spalding  Jennifer Daniel as Harry’s woman, Valerie Spalding

Something mysterious is happening in England’s Cornwall district.  A snake creature is murdering people.  When Harry Spalding’s brother becomes a victim, he and his wife shack up at his brother’s old pad; after all he won’t need it any more.  Well ole Doc Franklyn and his daughter ring out the welcome wagon and invite the Spaldings over to their home.  The Spaldings learn that the Franklyn’s spent time in the Far East.  Well the Franklyns weren’t there for the concert in Bangladesh.  Dr. Franklyn dissed some snake worshippers, so they took it out on his daughter.  Anna can now turn into a snake, and with that she has snake like powers, like a venomous bite.  Unfortunately, she doesn’t shed her clothes.

 

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Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

Starring:
Dolly Read – Kelly
Cynthia Myers – Casey
Marcia MrBroom – Patronella

A girl band featuring the three leading ladies, playing awful music opens up the cult classic Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, a film by Russ Myer.  The band takes off to Los Angeles where they hope to have some good times and to make it big.  When they get there Kelly goes to see her aunt and Kelly is then invited to a party at some guy named Z-Man’s place.  At the party everyone is dancing and smoking joints and having sex and Kelly hooks up with Z-Man.  After the party Z-Man promotes Kelly’s band and they start to get famous.  This movie was very sensational at the time it was made and nowadays it is actually pretty tame.  Throughout the movie there is a whole lotta sex and nudity, very little cursing surprisingly and a whole lotta drug use.  Now what is redeeming about this movie?  The crappy soundtrack?  The bad acting?  Everything else previously mentioned?  Actually nothing is really redeeming about this movie.  So why would you want to see this?  You have to see this movie because of everything else that was previously mentioned in this review and you have to see it because of its cult status.  You also have to see this film because even today it is still talked about.  Does this movie stink?  Yes, it does.  Is this movie good?  In a way, yes.  Watch this movie and judge for yourself.

 

 

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